le sigh...

that is all.

so what are your plans for the future?

how many times have we been asked that question? or a variation of it?

and i dont mean the daily ones of "when do you plan to eat? what are you going to wear 2mrw? are you doing anything this saturday?"

im talking about the questions that get you thinking about your entire future (assuming you'll live that long)

as a lil kid, you get asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

entering high school, you get asked "so what courses will you take? cus y'know.. that'll determine if you've taken the prerequisites to take certain gr11/12 courses, that'll affect which programs you can apply for after high school, basically means you gotta decide what you wanna study/where you wanna go, and it pretty much all starts with the question of what you wanna do with your life!"

thats how ive always viewed it. since jr high, ive looked at it from a big picture perspective.

i actually wanted to go into forensic sciences, cus ive always been a big puzzle nerd, enjoyed mysteries, fascinated by crime scenes, the thrill of solving something! then in jr high, i realized i really sucked at science so there goes that career.

then one day, i discovered the "behind the scenes" specials on a DVD. and i've been hooked on media ever since. there's so much that goes on, but as a movie viewer, you have no idea whatsoever.

ive always enjoyed that. knowing im contributing, doing my part, actually useful, but i dont want the whole world knowing its me. i mean sure, some ppl will know whose behind it all, like the actors themselves and other people working with you behind the scenes. but other than that, no one else knows. and the ppl who DO know, they'll appreciate you that much more. =)

i touched on it in a previous post, its like how God works in our lives. for those of us who know its Him behind it all, we really appreciate it, acknowledge Him for everything, and all glory belongs to Him. it really keeps me grounded, as a reminder of who i should be thanking every day for everything that does or doesnt happen.

but back to the media topic. i was just thinking... of what my "goals" were with my video camera. i've talked to some photog friends, and since there's so many photographers now, asked them... why photography? some have answered "just a hobby. its fun!" "ive done photog before it became so popular! im not a follower!" "if i can capture the right moment, bring out the right emotions, and trigger the right memories, it can change lives"

whoa. some answers were pretty deep. so i asked myself the same question, but with my video cam. i mean... my camera angles and such needs a LOT of work. it doesnt help that ive inherited shaky hands too. and its still a home video cam. everything is still automatic, nothing pro and no focussing or anything like that. and i realized that every time i film something, i usually like to capture it, and relay the "story" to someone who wasnt there. but they would feel like they've been there, right where the camera is. experiencing what it would've been like if they were there. while at the same time, i'd cut out the boring/useless parts. haha... and for those people who were in attendance, if they rewatch it, i wouldnt miss a single detail (well.. the ones worth remembering anyways.) as if they were reliving that moment again.

i really hope i've achieved that with REC2010 and ACF09/10 this year. well, i havent done the ACF stuff yet, and unfortunately, didnt have the time/energy to do the ACF banquet video. but i do have enough ACF footage to compile something this summer. so if any ACF ppl are reading this, there'll be something to look fwd to. =)

its tedious work, and i know i can be annoying sometimes, always having a camera in your face. but thats what i hope to capture. and i admit, i get sick of filming myself sometimes. i would like to enjoy the moment too. tahts when i put down the camera, and save the memories for our minds only.

but when i think about it, someone else reminiscing an amazing time in their lives thru a videos and it brings them so much joy, it makes me happy knowing something i did cheered them up. =)

ive always said. why remember a moment thru a snapshot, when you can just record it all and replay it?

video > photo.... sometimes. =)

PS. well.. i was actually aiming to blog about my future studies decisions and such but look where its veered off to! haha... guess i'll save it for another blogpost. nearly 6am now. sleep time! BYE!

Isaiah 7:9

"if you do not stand firm in your faith,

you will not stand at all."

I feel like sucha Moses sometimes. not the best in speech. wondering why God chose me to lead His ppl.
but He will provide. others who are more blessed in conversation and speaking. or when things go wrong, ppl will question why and doubt God. but He always makes a way. not in a solution we would imagine. but you have to admit it's a pretty awesome ending regardless. it might've been a tough journey. but Moses led the Israelites to the promise land.

I'm an introvert. I can be alone and not have a problem with it. I don't really feel all that lonely. yet He's gifted me with talents such as drums, a loud and never dying voice... yet I also enjoy the BTS things. such irony, such contrasts.
I don't think I can call it humility. it's more so... if I screw up, I'd rather not be known for it? weak reasoning. but like I said... I suck with words. I don't know how to explain it.

I'm really not a fan of the spotlight. I have a loud voice. that's it.
just really good at pretending to be an extrovert?
and gotta use my voice in some way.
I guess REC is it? just natural and automatically I do things. voluntarily.

really gotta fine my place in serving. just makes me more excited for HILC. tech/av. when things go right, ppl don't notice. they only notice the mistakes.
it's like our relationship with God. He's constantly working in our lives. but when things go right, we don't really pay attn. it's when things go wrong, we either walk away from Him, or turn to Him and question why.
often we forget to acknowledge Him. but He is the one Who makes things happen in our lives. 'runs in the background' kinda thing. we just have to look and we'll find Him. if you don't look we won't see Him, but He's there.

once again. dont really know where im going with these posts but its good to jot down some thoughts i guess.

im not normal...

we need to stand out. something different from everyone else.

but if everyone's unique, then arent we all just the same? we're all special. hah...

i've always viewed myself that way tho. always wondered, what if im actually different. then would medicine apply to me? is that why im still sick sometimes even after taking medication? or maybe i just took the wrong medicine. haha...

so anyways, was writing my midterm earlier today. and half way thru, the prof interrupted us. apparently, 3/4 of the class was stumped on a question. so the prof decided to "say something" to kinda give us a clue as to what he was looking for. i flipped to the question. last section, question 2. i took one took at it, instantly remembered which slides he was referring to, jotted down all i knew. no biggie. 12 full marks hopefully? sweet. so i went back to wherever i left off. kept writing... writing... then i arrived at the final section. Question 1. OH CRAP. i know which slide its located on. i know which lecture! but i just CANT remember the content! at this point.. 2/3s of the class was still struggling on question 2. i was stumped on question 1. -_- prof and TA kept giving clues and hints for question 2, which only confirmed my answer for it. but i was as lost as ever from question 1. if only they gave clues for question 1.

. in the end, i just made up something... sorta. haha... hopefully it'll have some sorta relevance so i'll get part marks. but dont you just hate it when that happens? everyone else is GTG for question 1, but super stumped on question 2. i breezed thru question 2 but was super clueless about question 1. =(

this only encourages my views of me not being normal. not average. im definitely different from everyone else. haha... phooey... therefore... do stats apply to me? hehe...

im probably more normal than i think i am. but ive still got the "rule-breaker" mindset. that is all. the rebel. =P

lent

i didnt think i was gunna lent anything this year. but at this past week's REC meeting, albert was giving us a wrap up kinda thing, and mentioned lent.

it was a good reminder of what lent is, or what the purpose of it is.

its not just about "giving up something you like so you can benefit from it" (junk food, fast food, gaming so you can do hwk) or "im proving that i can live without it" (facebook, twitter, virtual social networking, etc) or "trying to break a bad habit" (smoking, nail biting, etc), but rather its about giving up something and using that time to spend with God instead.

also, its not just for the 40 days. the 40 days of lent is only the start. on the 41st day, do you go back to your old ways? or continue as if you were still lenting? or maybe in between... not as much as before, but it has reduced. lasting the 40 days is one thing. but can you persevere and continue on after the 40 days? it everything goes back to as if "i didnt lent anything", then whats the point of lenting? or seriously... no offence but thats a pretty dumb thing to lent.

i think this is only the 2nd time i've ever decided to lent.

the first time being tim hortons roll up the rims. cus i was buying it just for the sake of the cup, not the beverage. so i put aside $3 per day (thats 2 cups of medium tea. yes... it was $1.25 back then!), then just gave it all as offering on Easter Sunday.

so this time around, im going to lent TV shows. spend more time on devos, doing more for TC REC, ACF, as well as committing to CC.

some ppl have said "pssh.. lenting TV shows is nothing. since olympics is going on right now, there isnt anything new to watch anyways!" but thats not true. if you know me, then you'll know just how many TV shows i follow. and this lent will include shows im catching up on. so basically... no watching any of the dramas, sitcoms, youtube (still trying to define this one. no youtube at all? or just the subscriptions i follow?) etc.

and how will this continue after the 40 days? i need to cut down on the amount of shows i watch. its great a lot of them are "rumoured" to be in their last season. and as long as i dont start new shows in the fall, drop another few that are just "mehh.. im only watching this still cus i started it". and we'll see how much time i've freed up =)

the thrill of risks

ever wonder.. that if you took the risk (logically or just plain dumb), how would the outcome have changed? or maybe if you didnt take the risk. how would things turn out differently?

for example. if you decided to not study for this midterm at all. meh... lets say its worth 20%. just cus... you weren't in a study mood. you really couldn't care less about the subject. you have better things to do. you don't have better things to do, just don't wanna study. have to work hard on another course thats more important.

would it really screw up your life? get kicked outta school? fail a course? end up just winging it and doing okay? acing the exam?

or what if... you took the risk. you attempted that insane double black diamond altho you know you're a n00b skiier/snowboarder. results: you enjoyed the thrill of it all and you ended up okay at the bottom of the hill. you were super scared and wondered what on earth made you go down it and ended up okay at the bottom of the hill. you went for it, did the crazy jumps and sharp corners, ended up in the emergency, but had a blast! or you seriously wish you didnt go thru with it, and now you're paying for it, lying in the hospital.

would you have been just satisfied without ever attempting it? stayed on the bunny hill the entire time? injury free? or would you have acquired an injury in another way?

ive realized some things come with sacrifices. but at the same time... i don't know the results of both choices. i can only choose 1, and whatever happens, happens. and its happening quite a bit now that im in 4th year. a lot of the events i go to, are mostly based on "oh man.. im in 4th year. i still havent done that yet! if i dont do it now, i'll never get the chance." or "this is the last one ever! most likely the last one in my life! i gotta do it one more time!".

im just aiming for the "gotta be satisfied with what im leaving behind". no regrets. done all that i can. milk it!

altho a lot of ppl would claim they "prefer to play it safe", and would probably not choose the option of risking it. we sometimes choose the riskier option, just to spice things up in life. you have no idea why you chose it, and the logical person wouldn't have done that. but you did anyways.

all i can say is, whichever path you choose, you'll get something out of it. maybe you really enjoyed it and was glad you took the risk. or maybe you learnt that it was stupidest idea ever, and know to never do it again. you also warn others who are about to make the same decision as you. or maybe it had an okay turn out... it wasnt all that, but it wasnt too bad either.

i guess im sorta writing this to justify my decisions in life so far. =) but at the same time, i know things will work out. even if it doesnt go the way i want it to, and it can go sour, but i know i'll be able to persevere thru it. it might not be easy, but its definitely doable. cus He is my guide. the analogy is what Francis Chan talked about at Passion2010. think of it like a GPS system (YEEEEEH. Geography major! bahaha...) we have a starting point, and a destination. God will guide us. He'll tell us to keep travelling straight. but for some reason, we feel like making a left turn. crap.. we're on the wrong path. but its okay. because the GPS system will say "recalculating". simple as that. God will guide us thru another path. the most direct path possible. and its up to us if we wanna listen or not. sometimes He will tell us to turn right. it doesn't seem right, and its definitely out of our comfort zone. but we listen, because those are the instructions. and we trust in Him. and it turns out.. hey hey! we are on the right track!

Proverbs 3:5-6

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

enjoy!

how do you sleep - jmac

(y) or (n)?

i think back and smile.

should i keep going?

is it worth it?

final term in 4th year. then what...

s'almost like gr12 of high school all over again.

first i was so emotionally up and down. (no different, i usually keep it to myself. altho i seemed to blog about it more. well.. back then, i had a private blog. =P)

and now its the whole "what are you doing after you graduate?" question.

its easy for a lot of ppl to say "oh y'know... med school." or "doing my masters!" or "job secured and GTG!". or maybe im just friends with a lot of asians who are school smart.

school has never been easy for me. like ppl claim they hate hwk? i really do hate it to a point where i just dont care, and wont do it. and dont really care if i flunk or something. my high school marks are proof of that. and i never complete any assignment to the best of my ability. i just complete it to the "needed" point and stop there. like say if i need a 60% in the course, the most i'll do is be like "mehh.. aim for 61%. good enough!" and i'll calculate backwards, figuring out the whats the minimum i need to meet the requirements. whatever gets the job done.

but strangely.. this only applies to school.

if im at work, or doing volunteer work... i'll give it my all and more. i'll take that extra step and "one up" it. even if i dont know if i can accomplish it, i'll say i can. then force myself to learn it and achieve it. aka make myself sound better than i actually am, then go and live up to the standards ive set for myself.

i never understood that.

is it a rebellion thing? where if say im "forced" to go to school, i'll purposely just scrape by. whereas if i chose to volunteer, or i choose where i apply for jobs and which job to accept, i'll give and do more than whats expected of me?

and i see it now. im putting more of my time into CRC, TC Rec, AV stuff, and soon to add in CC stuff (no sball/scac stuff this summer! yay!!).

i'd rather open up a new draft, and write up emails as well as plan/make notes for all those other things i signed up for, instead of say studying for a midterm or starting an assignment that is scheduled before any of the extra-curricular activities. i'll know to sleep earlier and get on a regular sleeping schedule if i have to go to work, but i totally change timezones and skip class during the school year.

it just makes me question myself.

where is my heart?

what am i passionate about? why wont i put in that effort into school?

despite the 2 verses that are constantly popping up in my mind for the past few years now (Colossians 3:17 and/or I Corinthians 10:31), its just so tough to apply it to school work.

its so easy to live out these verses in all other areas of my life.. EXCEPT school.

iunno.. no real conclusion or anything.

just wanted to jot this down, and not leave it hanging as a draft.